Friday, March 5, 2010

this uninvited guest of sameness ::springfever::

interesting day.
the wind is stirring up the change.
clouds and sun both.
somethings coming.
picking my walking path.
i chose left...and still feel it coming.

this came to mind as i was choosing which way to turn on a long walk. change. its coming. it always comes when it's supposed to too.  this particular day was stormy literally and figuratively. strange things happen outside just before a storm. happy white billowy clouds give way to gloomy grey swollen vessels, tempting to burst and just let the earth have it. playful gentle sunkissed breezes turn into agitated irritated force filled gust. this day, as i watched it loom and unfold, i could see change in the works. everything around me was warning me. things are going to happen . change is coming...and im realizing its coming for me.

i have a journal that i take out and read every year about this time. now for about 10 years.  it's at this time every year i develop an all consuming bout of melancholic angst. maybe known to most as spring fever. but "this" goes beyond spring cleaning , bursts of color, or tender young sprouts in the garden. this "thing" is a desperate and driving plead for change. yet every year at this time my journal reads the same. ok yes...every few years a new house, a new job for hubby, new baby girl, but always this all consuming sameness, this  smothering suffocating dying of self for a young mama and young woman. a place far away from the change longed for. change belonging to me.

this time around as i read,  i realized that yup on cue, this "thing" had not skipped a beat. here is this same uninvited guest of sameness. this same exact soul sucking place. but then slowly yet clearly dawned on me  :: maybe not ::  this year there is  potential for actual opporitunity for change. me change. my turn and a real chance of it. a hopeful glimmer perhaps, but nonetheless. i finally have no totally dependent & needy babies, no exhausting & over commited schedule, most of all NO EXCUSES. yes according to everything around me. my new friend change is on it's way...and is headed straight for me. no doubt bringing something new to write in my journal.

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