Thursday, May 31, 2012

freeing negativity. grudges. a mama bear work in progress.

so in the determined spirit of my newly inspired
personal growth & everything,
i decided to get right to the business of getting rid of negativity in my life & move right along.
i was ready & excited even
to just sit down with my lovely little cup of tea
& send prayers, love, happy thoughts & freely forgiving the
people & stuff in life that i'm saying goodbye to.
acknowledge & release toxic feelings.
heck, even clean up my Facebook account (again) & take another Twitter break. 
easy peasy & just like that...i'm free!
leaving room for nothing but positivy, love & growth.
& it felt so good!
well until something happened that i was not ready for.
somehow i got around to my own grudges.
especially the ones that have been around for years [decades even].
these are our old friends
& we get so used to having them around.
there is a certain comfort to holding on to them & keeping them in our lives. they give a false sense of validation & justification to the ways we interact, feel, etc...with the people we are holding these negative feelings against
(after all THEY are the meanies & THEY deserve it right?!?!).
we hide behind them as permission to keep finding fault in others instead of ourselves. 
reasons to never change & move on (& sometimes don't want to).  
the ones i'm finding especially hard to let go of are the ones that involve my kids/family being unkindly or unfairly treated by others.
those mama bear grudges i hold proud & strong under the guise of protecting my little fam.
those are the ones i have grown to love &
depend on the most even.
so as always, just when i think it's always others with the faults or that have wronged me
(i mean really can't it ever just be that way? just once even please!!!),
the finger of truth & grace points right back in my own deserving face & rightfully so.
 more than anything providing testimony to my own continuing need for prayer, my own continuing need of free forgiveness,
my own need for continuing change & my own need to continuing to allow more room for my own love to grow.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


my Monday was super fantastic!
the brownsugars went fishing with their Dad
& i spent a much needed day with myself!
i took myself to lunch at my fave Chipotle
& had a fab non-fat vanilla chai latte.
i layered up my new wrap bracelet i mentioned here
& wore it for the 1st time.
beachy & earthy happy little bursts of color
I LOVE IT & plan wear it all summer in different ways!
i also treated myself to a few new art supplies
& a Jack Johnson Kokua Festival CD
{perfect beachy music choice...LOVE}.
next i navigated thru Carlsbad (on Memorial Day mind you!)
to a beautiful new-to-me beach hidden behind cliffs. 
(not sure of the actual name but
someone called it the Carlsbad Cliffs).
i didn't hike all the way down to the water, 
 i decided to sit on top of the cliffs instead
& observe from a new perspective. 
i spent hours.
a few people & their dogs walked thru the trails.
peopled climbed the rocks.
surfers surfed in the water below.
i sat in the sun quietly watching.
i wrote & drew a little.
i read a bit more of The Hunger Games,
but then dolphins started swimming & playing in the water.
i have watched them play in the water from the shore before,
but never high on a the glistening sun.
but the dolphins did eyes would not go back to the book.
it has been way too long
& i've been desperately missing the beach.
this one visit was all it took to find my center,
restore my balance & soothe my soul.
i have always dearly & deeply loved the beach
...thank God somethings never change. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

this morning i wrote like mad {new inspiration & decisions for my soul }


i know it's supposed to be {unplugged sunday}
but this morning my mind, heart & soul have been stirring & i could not hold it all in anymore.
i have been writing it all down like mad.
i miss writing...i used to write alot of things
like poems, stories, daily journaling,
but this morning
i wrote thoughts.
i wrote feelings.
i wrote dreams.
i wrote plans.
& i FINALLY for the first time in a long time
i wrote my own decisions.

recently some things have greatly inspired & impacted me,
these are some of the ones i wrote down:

1. maybe i need to lower or let go of my expectations of others [that are never going to happen] & raise & change my expectations of myself.

2. never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be an option. someone who has always had time for everyone & everything else BUT you [me], always will (1) & never will (2).[this one i need to listen to the most]

3. you [i] need to find support where you [i] always have & with whom you [i've] have always found it. those are the ones who truly love you [me] & that you [i]can truly depend on.

4. make changes & sacrifices to achieve your [my] own goals & dreams, instead of changes, sacrifices & EXCUSES to only help everyone else [but me] achieve theirs.

5. give yourself [myself] permission to be self loving, self serving & self motivated also instead of always self sacrificing for others. pulling back & not giving so much away is sometimes necessary to protect ourselves from hurt. these are all different than being selfish.

6. my kids are old enough. it's my turn. & it's ok...i asked them ;).

7.the sun rises & sets for me too. i deserve it!

8. it's time to let go of alot things [old
dreams,plans,obstacles,etc...] & make a new reality [my own].
it's crazy. it's scary. it's new. and it's ok.

along with writing this morning,
i looked thru my old "self image" journal
& idea boards from 10 & 20 years ago.
*mirrors into my own soul*
& to my great surprise i still LOVE all the same things!
 life has changed, but i am still the same old soul.
the difference is that now i am lacking these things that brought me & my soul joy & made me ME, as part of my current life. 
it is time to bring those things that brought my soul joy 
back into my life
& in a big way.

among the fun things that have gotten lost along my way
are my life goals & dreams.
i desperately need to bring that ME back (I LOVE that girl)!
i'm overdue, ready & i'm the only one who can do it.
so as my list of inspirations says, i need to make changes, effort & sacrifices to make my own dreams & goals come true (instead of excuses).
& i also need to surround myself with people that really do support me.
and i have already started.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

thrifting{write your own story}

before we left on our trip
i mentioned that i found some fun thrited finds.
i was super excited to find this "write your own story" mug!
i love the inspiration in this saying, the vintage typewriter, the whole thing!
i saw one i wanted exactly like it on Pinterest for @$15. 
 i found this one in great condition
at my fave thrift store for 50 cents!!!
ironically, below it is my tweet from last Thursday.
today makes 2 weeks coffee free.
it really hasn't been that bad.
 i do miss the taste,
but i'm not constantly day dreaming about it anymore.
i'm more focused & i'm no longer constantly fatigued & jittery.
i usually only drink one small cup of coffee a day in the cooler months & stop drinking it in the warmer weather 
so the timing is perfect actually.
a while ago i started having super sharp chest pains around my heart when i drank coffee & no clue why.
 i thought it went away, but the Thursday before this tweet i had an episode that was so painful it lasted 3 days with me in agony couch.
so no coffee in my new perfectly perfect thrifted mug
but tea is still my friend so im good & i love it.
especially the perfect vanilla chai latte

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

i really miss...*sigh* {back home}

this trip back home was a fun one for us girlies!
unfortunately He had to work on getting our other house ready for new tenants. spared alot of pix but these are just a few highlights... 
life is ALWAYS better at Grammy's!
my mama loves taking the brownsugars shopping, spoiling them & doing all kinds of other impromptu & fun stuff with them (all day everyday!).
especially treating them with the stuff me,
their boring practical mama,
does not naturally gravitate towards purchasing.
she spoils me too (you should see my new cheetah print water cup ;)
she was just as fun as my mama too.
i really miss living near my mama. *sigh*
after dinner at Grandma's (His mama),
the cousins built a fort to eat root beer floats under.
(one missing little stinker ran out of the pic right
just as i was about to take it).
love childhood cousin moments like these.
i really miss living near cousins *sigh* 
my Gram, another cousin & the brownsugar.
Both of my Grams live within 30 minutes of my old house & the brownsugars & i spent a lot of time with both of them.
just sitting & listening.
i really miss living near both my Grams.*sigh*
my little nephew barely tolerating a pic with me.
(the same cute little stinker who ran out of the pic above).
me & my fat baby coco.
i got to hold them both *happy girl*
i really miss living near my nieces & nephews.*sigh*
Sal's is my abs fave restaurant in the world
& i MUST go every time i go back home.
this visit, along with my chicken enchilada verde dinner i had an Arnold Palmer & it's my new fave combo.
it was my Daddy's treat after going to his congregation meeting with him.
the same congregation i grew up in (loved seeing childhood friends!).
so far i haven't found anything even close to Sal's here in So Cal
but maybe im just partial.
i really miss living near my Daddy & my Sal's *sigh*
quiet morning moments like these at my mama's.
the brownsugars were super exhausted from constantly being on the go with my mama (she can neither stay still or home)
& staying up past 11 pm every night.
they slept in late every morning.
 i got to do my nails, sip my tea & catch up with Katniss & Peeta & even just sit there.
but in peace.
i miss living near my mama *sigh*

*PS Hubby's Dad also treated the brownsugars to a sweet little ice cream date. the pix would not load & i cannot go back & try it again (from my iphone to my pc) because it will wipe out this entire post.
we love him none the less...but i'm at the end of this post & am not starting over:(

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

mama's big baby {FOREVER}

we are back home from our trip
 later than we planned.
tired & i'm already going thru family
but it's good to be home.

ok so look what happened to my baby brownsugar while we were away.
she has been wanting her ears pierced for a couple of years,
but she chickened out every time.
my mama & my sister took the other two brownsugars
when they asked for their ears to be pierced
 because i just couldn't.
but this time my mama took her & i was there.
she & i both did good. 
both of us were big girls & neither of us had tears ;)
so proud...she will not stop talking about it all.
she looks so stinkin' cute in her little Hello Kitty earrings.
maybe i should stop calling her my baby now...
{eventhough she forever will be}

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

road trip

we are headed on a roadtrip to visit fam this evening!
I was hoping to squeeze a quick beach trip in before leaving,
but couldn't work it out.
(we only live a 20 minute drive from the nearest beach...
being too busy to go should NEVER EVER be a problem!)

ps - i scored some great thrifting finds.
i'm all excited & cannot wait to share we return.
until then!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

all i can think about...

according to our homeschool charters
we technically have about 3 weeks left of school
& it is killing me.
all we can think about is the beach, camping, outdoors,
freedom, hanging out, etc...
so for the next 3 technical homeschool weeks we are pushing on with math,
lots of learning projects & creativity (aka no books!)
& tying up loose ends.
which is also loosely our plan for summer schooling.
summer....bring it on!

*ps usually i shut my homeschooling brain off the last day of school & don't even think about homeschooling until the exact last minute right before the beginning of the next school year,
but this next year we will have a lot of changes (some very exciting) in our homeschool.
 & bc i will have an 8th grader (OMG),
i will have to interrupt my summer with more time researching & planning.
it's getting serious over here ;) 

Monday, May 14, 2012

saturday & {unplugged sunday}


.unplugged sunday.
this weekend was a 
pretty mellow sunshine-y weekend
 yet we did alot & got a lot done as a family.
{unplugged} kinda crept into our Saturday too (YAAAY!!!) & since i only took one pic Sunday, i combined the weekend.

the brownsugars went with their Dad to get new tires for our Airstream & brought me some beautiful roses.
we are not big on holidays,
but they said they saw these beautiful roses
 & wanted their mama to have them (one of my fave flowers).

we worked on our Airstream.
i decided last minute i want to paint some of the interior walls sooner instead of waiting until later which will add a little longer wait.
it is an exciting but on going family project.
it's so close to being done & i can not wait to use it & to share more.

i snuck off for a little me time at one my fave local small shops for lunch
& then to my fave local nursery.
i wanted to get some surprises for the brownsugars mini gardens & thought it was a great time since they were having a local artist craft fair.
(got myself a cute new wrap bracelet)

.unplugged sunday.
as i said we are not into holidays much.
{my sweet little fam truly makes it a point to tell me & treat me like they love & appreciate me everyday. they get it.}
*blessed lucky happy girl*
the littlest brownsugar & i made fresh berry & melon fruit salad w/ plain yogurt & green tea for breakfast.
(that was the only pic i took!)

after our congregation meeting
the fam ran an errand
& i took a quick nap & read The Hunger Games on the couch for a bit.

we are going on a trip in a few days, so the rest of the evening we cleaned & organized.
He made a delish salmon dinner to end our evening.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

farm notes {spring}

even though we have lived in this house over 3 years
we are still finding new surprises, especially in the spring.
we discovered this young volunteer loquat tree last year,
but the fruit is so much better this year.
we love picking them right from the trees
& popping the sweet, almost tropical,juicy little fruits
 right into our mouths.
this has been one of our favorite surprises yet :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

clean & refreshing

please note that the dirt on the clear cup is from the bottom
being buried in the mud to keep it from tipping & not inside the cup!
a few rainy days ago,
out of the side of my eye,
i saw the oldest brownsugar gather a few secretive experiment
supplies from the kitchen
& sneak out the door with them.
after the heavy rain she ran back outside,
returned with her secret experiment
& called the other brownsugars in all excited.
according to them the water tasted clean & refreshing & i took their word for it!
a simplified water filtration system experiment success!
*love my curious little smarties*

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{unplugged sunday}

the night before {unplugged sunday}
He & i hired a sitter & headed to Mission Bay to meet old friends (like middle school old).
OMG we had a B L A S T!!!
the bar's dj started off with a Beastie Boys tribute
& i rocked the dancefloor for the night (like i do)! 

{unplugged sunday}
our sweet brownsugars set us a special breakfast service complete with instructions & place cards.
farm fresh eggs, fruit & fresh squeezed orange juice along with turkey bacon & pastries.
before He had to leave for work after :(


the brownsugars decided to make their own music
& i decided that since i could still hear it...
i would enjoy their lovely music outside in the sunshine ;)
a few days before, i forced myself to finally finished the other horrible book i was reading
so i FINALLY introduced myself to Katniss Everdeen.
my last pic before the...

the brownsugars & i were gathering fallen avocados in our grove &
W H A M!
i got bit by a black widow!
long story short...
i got lucky with my symptoms & wasn't as severe as most bites.
i was able to stay home & monitor it with the help of neighbors, a doctor in the family & poison control checking in on me. 
thankfully i am back to happy now.