Thursday, May 31, 2012

freeing negativity. grudges. a mama bear work in progress.

so in the determined spirit of my newly inspired
personal growth & everything,
i decided to get right to the business of getting rid of negativity in my life & move right along.
i was ready & excited even
to just sit down with my lovely little cup of tea
& send prayers, love, happy thoughts & freely forgiving the
people & stuff in life that i'm saying goodbye to.
acknowledge & release toxic feelings.
heck, even clean up my Facebook account (again) & take another Twitter break. 
easy peasy & just like that...i'm free!
leaving room for nothing but positivy, love & growth.
& it felt so good!
well until something happened that i was not ready for.
somehow i got around to my own grudges.
especially the ones that have been around for years [decades even].
these are our old friends
& we get so used to having them around.
there is a certain comfort to holding on to them & keeping them in our lives. they give a false sense of validation & justification to the ways we interact, feel, etc...with the people we are holding these negative feelings against
(after all THEY are the meanies & THEY deserve it right?!?!).
we hide behind them as permission to keep finding fault in others instead of ourselves. 
reasons to never change & move on (& sometimes don't want to).  
the ones i'm finding especially hard to let go of are the ones that involve my kids/family being unkindly or unfairly treated by others.
those mama bear grudges i hold proud & strong under the guise of protecting my little fam.
those are the ones i have grown to love &
depend on the most even.
so as always, just when i think it's always others with the faults or that have wronged me
(i mean really can't it ever just be that way? just once even please!!!),
the finger of truth & grace points right back in my own deserving face & rightfully so.
 more than anything providing testimony to my own continuing need for prayer, my own continuing need of free forgiveness,
my own need for continuing change & my own need to continuing to allow more room for my own love to grow.

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